Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
