my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
