other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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