Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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