he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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