Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
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