The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I need a hoe opinion
go on
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
