We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
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