nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Randomize
