well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
