Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
