i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Randomize
