dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
Randomize
