have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Randomize
