I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Randomize
