I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
Randomize
