STUCK IN CAPS. WANA GET AFTER IT TOMORROW?
Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
