i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
You've changed since you got that strap on
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
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