My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
