I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
