he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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