ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
