i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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