I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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