He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
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