I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
