You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Randomize
