I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
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