watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
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