I accidentally had phone sex last night
Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
they need to just BURY HIM!
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Randomize
