That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
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