I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
