gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
