the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
Randomize
