so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Randomize
