I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
