The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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