I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Randomize
