apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
are you so shy because you have an std?
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
Randomize
