My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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