im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
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