So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
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