she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
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