You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
did you just send me my own nude
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
Randomize
