I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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