you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
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