you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Randomize
