Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Randomize
