Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
