his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Randomize
