so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Randomize
