He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
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